We received the end of the road decision from the Colorado Supreme Court yesterday. "Order Denying Petition for Certiorari." For those of you not familiar with the legal system, this means that it's the end of the road in the pursuit of justice for Noah. It was a long six months waiting for this decision after the Appellate Decision. I kept hoping and praying the whole time. I didn't give up, the odds were always against him throughout the appellate process. I'm literally haunted by what happened to Noah and myself that December day. I lived it. I'm still living it. I know the truth even though I wasn't able to convince a jury of the truth, even though I couldn't get a Court of Law to do the right thing by Noah. Of course even a harder pill for me to swallow as I dedicated so many years of my life to a system I wanted so badly to believe in. I wanted to believe there would be justice for Noah. I feel betrayed by my belief system, I feel betrayed by those I blindly trusted, I feel betrayed by people who said they cared but then turned their backs thinking it was nearly criminal that we pursued a medical malpractice case because our child suffered the fate of medical negligence. And just because a jury came back with in favor of Defense does not make it truth. It doesn't mean that what happened to Noah wasn't their fault. It just means that they got by with it. And we are just one of thousands that don't find justice through the Judicial System. Society has a tendency to put the weight of a jury's decision as being the final word of truth. And it isn't. Juries are a unique make-up of people that Defense tries to find have the best chance of ruling against you. Even still there is so much that is kept from most juries. Battles behind the scenes out of the presence of the jury to make sure there are things they never get to see, it's all about playing this game in Court. Pictures of fake baby on the internet for a jury to view as a depiction of what Noah looked like, but real pictures of Noah not allowed as evidence. And witnesses can get on the stand and lie about even meeting me, and suggest that I was too drugged to remember the truth. But oh how I remember, how I remember every whispered word spoken, the sounds, the lights, the smells. It's something as much as I try to run from that is always there. I try to stay so incredibly busy and productive so I can't dwell in this painful place.
"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on."
And all of this is incredibly hard, but acceptance comes in knowing that I wasn't the one who failed Noah. I refused to give up fighting because when you know what is right you never give up. And I didn't. I can look Noah in his beautiful blue eyes and tell him I did everything in my power for to fight for justice for him. None of it was easy, and the rest of our lives won't be easy either. I know there are some that will flock to this post like vultures awaiting my response. I'm sure many in fact that were players in Noah's case. Some come to celebrate that their lies succeeded. Some may even very well likely invite each out to lunch to discuss it and give each other high five's that Warden vs. Exempla is finally over. Unfortunately I've been privy to watching those types of egotistical celebrations at someone else's expense behind the scenes before during my legal career. I know the truth, and God knows the truth. It doesn't matter what anyone else's opinions may or may not be. You get to a point in your life when you really genuinely quit caring about what people think. People love to cast stones about things they have absolutely no concrete knowledge of the truth.
So how does one pick themselves up after something like this? I'm not entirely sure I know the answers to that yet. I just know that I have to keep moving forward, that I have two children that depend on me - Noah especially. I just have to make a conscious effort to put one foot in front of the other and have to pray that God literally carries me the rest of the way.
A lie doesn't become truth, wrong doesn't become right and evil doesn't become good, just because it is accepted by a majority.
Love,
Noah's Miracle by Stacy Warden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.