You Couldn't Have Known

You couldn't have known the multitude of challenges I faced in that single day; entire family Medicaid renewal forms, SSI disability verification forms, a letter saying that something negative was reported on our credit report and endless emails regarding my son's affairs.

You couldn't have known that I was running on less than three hours sleep while tending to Noah's various difficulties in the night and how exhausted I was regardless of the numerous cups of coffee that I had.

You couldn't have known that I received a phone call from Noah's attorney that day confirming that he received my first legal payment in order to sue Medicaid for continuing to deny my son his medical needs regardless of an Administrative Law Judge ordering them to reverse their denials, and the State continuing not to yield to those orders but instead file Exceptions to initial Decisions to void any favorable ruling on Noah's behalf.

You couldn't have known that our account had been compromised for the fourth time in six months, which left us temporarily without a positive balance in our bank account and without debit cards until new ones could be ordered.  And that we're still trying to rebuild our credit after bankruptcy, leaving us dependent on our bank account.

You couldn't have known that I spent a large portion of the day evaluating my parenting performance to two differently able bodied yet equally beautiful children. 

You couldn't have known that Noah's nutritional order came incomplete with a note that stated his supplies were on backorder for an undetermined about of time.

You couldn't have known that I was kicking myself for not buying groceries early in the week before our account was breached leaving us without adequate dinner options.

You couldn't have known that I was heavy-hearted about having to use the cash that I received as a result of selling things around the house to help Noah with his out of pocket medical and equipment costs and needs for dinner that night.

You couldn't have known that I was frustrated that the only four disabled parking spots were full and two of the cars didn't have handicapped plates or a placard and were parked illegally, leaving me to having to take up two regular parking spaces in order to get Noah out of the van. 

You couldn't have known that awkward feeling when we entered the restaurant and the wait staff struggled to find a place to seat us for dinner as we watched several other parties be seated before us while we patiently waited for an option.

You couldn't have known how we frequently feel invisible and how we are merely an inconvenience to everyone.

You couldn't have known how terrible I felt when the only table option there was required your entire large party to rearrange yourselves and fold down the leaflet of your table so that Noah wouldn't swing and hit his arms at dinner while he was sandwiched between our two tables.

You couldn't have known how I was dwelling on the fact that our seating arrangement impacted you in some way and how sad I felt because nothing about our existence feels normal.

You couldn't have known that I took notice of one of the children at your table - a little girl so tiny and sweet who watched so lovingly as Noah's daddy fed him.  And I thought to myself that her loving and tender expressions meant that she was destined to do incredible things in her lifetime with the kindness she was born with. 

You couldn't have known that my hamburger was the first meal I had eaten that day and that I was so incredibly hungry that we decided to splurge on a $7 appetizer even though we thought twice about it.

You couldn't have known how happy Noah was with his seating position and being able to have a large big screen TV in front of him so that he could watch a football game at dinner. 

You couldn't have known that I admired your large dinner party and convinced myself that all of you were this incredibly close family that would always be there for each other and how I wished we had that. 

You couldn't have known how important it was for me to thank you for being accommodating and kind and not overly upset that you had to arrange your table and move it to make room for Noah when you got up to leave.  And how you put my soul at ease when you told me no thanks was necessary and that you thought we were great parents.

You couldn't have known that I cried when the waitress came over to our table after you all left to tell us that you had paid for our dinner and didn't want us to know until you had left. 

You couldn't have known that you were the only person who has ever done that for us and how incredibly touched we were that someone cared about us in this beautiful way. 

You couldn't have known that you made us feel loved and cared about even though we were strangers, and that in so many ways you were an answer to our prayers after a long and hard day.

You couldn't have known the difference that you made. 

Love,




Noah's Miracle by Stacy Warden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.