Noah continues to be the happiest little guy ever. Chris and I remember all too well the distraught baby he once was, often times unable to be soothed by much of anything. When Noah is happy it makes us happy - his happiness means the world to us. Everything we do, every choice we make we always have his happiness on our minds.
I've always known that the same rules don't apply for everyone. I always told my mother growing up, that if I stepped out of line, if I ran a red light, I'd be the first one caught, unlike many others who get by with just about anything. I'm finding that the same rules also don't apply to many other things in life, including obtaining things you need for your child's development or care. For some families, every single opportunity is handed to them effortlessly - they don't work hard, they don't play by the rules, they get handouts left and right, they make up stories to play at heartstrings, they use faith and churches to manipulate to obtain their needs. It's a selfish game that is played. And those who know me best, know that my honesty, my character prevents me from being that kind of person, even knowing that Noah will not be afforded half of the opportunities that other children might if I played the game differently. But at the end of the day I want to say I lived the the best honest life I could, that I played by all of societies and God's rules. That I was a good person. And maybe - just maybe God will grant me a special wish and just continue to heal Noah to the best of his abilities. That is all I ask for trying to follow all the rules.
I admit it is disheartening to know that certain families get free therapy and perferential treatment, while I'm struggling to pay out of pocket, or that families get free equipment when I have to rely on Medicaid approval or non-profit organizations that are designed specifically for those purposes. But I want to teach Noah that hard work and perseverance comes from within. If I show him how to manipulate to get somewhere, then I'm doing a terrible dis-service to him as his mother. He more than anyone will have to learn where hard work and determination and relying on yourself will get you. I'm disappointed that my generation doesn't work harder than they do. Generations before us, really knew what the phrase blood, sweet and tears actually meant. And in today's world "egos" have gotten away from the person. It's a world where many approach life from a point of what is in it for me? I wish we helped our fellow man genuinely because it was the right thing to do and not because there was something in it for themselves.
There are still handfuls of God's angels sprinkled about doing great work for others, genuinely loving and passing on good will. I sure wish that was as contagious as hope is. I wish for all of those out there who have been so loving and supportive and hopeful and faithful that it would spread to 100 more people that you touch everyday. I've learned you can never stop being yourself, even in an unkind world. Thank you for those who continue to blaze that trail and are so giving of your heart, and kindness towards others, who don't put yourself first, who always thinking about how your actions speak louder than words, who realize that handouts and freebies and using smoke screens to obtain your needs isn't how things are done.
Chris and I may not have much, but we have a loving home and a beautiful little boy. God granted us a gift to allow him to stay, however challenged our road is, and I feel rich beyond words. So I'm okay that we don't chose to play the wrong game or break all the rules. Noah will find his own way, and we'll be going about it in the best way possible. And even if that means I have to make therapy gadgets out of craft paint and toothpicks or a "sheet" as Early Intervention so insensitively pointed out, or watch a million therapy videos because I don't get things for free, then so be it. We aren't the type of family that will probably be afforded the opportunity of high-tech medical advancements, treatments or therapies, but there are thousands of families like us in the very same boat. And my hope is that they know in their hearts they're doing all they can do within their means and that they in no way feel tremendous guilt because they can't jump on every therapy or medical treatment bandwagon there is - don't to be intimidated by the parents that have found a way to freeze brain cells for possible future recovery in the year 2030 - as there are no guarantees to anything in this life. Do the best you can do with what God has given you.
"Every child possesses many gifts. Mine just chooses to open his on his own time, rather than the time set aside for opening those particular gifts."
"Character is simply habit long continued." – Plutarch
Stacy, Chris & Noah