Noah received his kid cart at therapy this week. I spent the hour trying to learn how to piece it together and take it apart. It's more complex than the average stroller. Noah doesn't seem happy about it. I don't think he appreciates being as restrained. If you ask Noah today I think he'd give it two thumbs down. They also had a back walker there for another child and they put Noah in it just to see what he would do. I honestly didn't expect for him to do anything other than go through the motions and just stand there. However I was taken back when Noah actually moved in it. It was the first moment where my overwhelming emotions flooded and I couldn't hold it back. I was slightly embarrassed that I couldn't contain myself. I suppose there is this feeling that you must remain strong at all times, to demonstrate outstanding courage, hope and love, to find strength and focus that leads all to believe you can completely handle everything that is thrown your way. Tears are simply a sign that there are cracks beneath the strong-front, giving away the secret that as put together as I may try to be that there is still that weak spot in my greatest wishes for Noah to recover all of his motor skills. I think it was simply a combination of seeing him walk, and seeing him in a device in order to do so. No parent I think ever wishes to see their child in any handicap apparatus. I had a good hard cry on the way home, shouting to God just please heal him, please make him fine, please allow him to walk and talk. I want out of the special needs world so ever bad. I want Noah to be able to function like everyone else.
I find that we all wish and want our children to recover to the best of their abilities, not because we cannot accept them "as is." Well-intentioned people tell us we're not living in the moment, we're too focused on things we cannot change, the future that holds no guarantees or promises. That may be partially true, but at the same time we've given life to a human being that is very visibly different from most everyone else, we worry about the future because we hold so much love for this life, we want to know that when our time is done here that the life we brought into this world is capable of thriving and succeeding without us. It's a basic desire. Every good parent only wants the best that can possibly be for their child. It's our love that drives us for a better tomorrow, we have no choice but to accept today.
I've finally completed the Anat Baniel Special Needs DVD series. I've gained a lot of information, increased my awareness of how Noah moves and learns versus how normal healthy babies do, and things we can do better to help him. I thought that it was a very beneficial video and well worth my time. I'm happy we've explored the method and remain excited to see the differences it may bring about in Noah's movements. Most people measure milestones only by sitting, crawling, walking and talking, but the milestones for Noah will be different. Medicaid of course views ABM as alternative therapy and would never consider paying for it in addition or as an alternative to what we're currently doing. Exploring the method will cost us out of pocket. But it would be that way for any parent wanting to explore alternative therapies. Sometimes it is a discouraging feeling. I don't have unlimited resources at my finger tips, I don't do fundraisers, I don't have wealthy relatives, haven't won the lottery, but at the end of the day, money is what makes the world go round. And I have to find a way with what I have to get the very best I can for Noah. In my heart I hope he knows someday how very hard I've advocated for him with what was within my means.
Yet I continue to dream that dream called hope.
Stacy, Chris & Noah