Gentle Grace: Goodbye to 2014

I crave the gentle grace and promise for a better tomorrow - for me, for my child with special needs, for my family. 

With each passing year, I yearn for better days and a chance at finding help, love and kindness to help light up all the dark corners of this life's journey.  While most people are making New Year's Resolutions, I sit here looking back on how far we've come and am looking ahead to how further we still have to go.  I've learned long ago if you want to make God laugh tell him your plans for your life.   Resolutions are simply wishes in the wind.  I cling to hope, faith and the belief that all things are possible.

Here's looking back on 6 Years of Noah's Miracle:
(Remember to disable Noah's blog music on the right hand side before viewing)




A New Year’s Prayer
May God make your year a happy one!
Not by shielding you from all sorrows and pain,
But by strengthening you to bear it, as it comes;
Not by making your path easy,
But by making you sturdy to travel any path;
Not by taking hardships from you,
But by taking fear from your heart;
Not by granting you unbroken sunshine,
But by keeping your face bright, even in the shadows;
Not by making your life always pleasant,
But by showing you when people and their causes need you most,
and by making you anxious to be there to help.
God’s love, peace, hope and joy to you for the year ahead.
Love,




Noah's Miracle by Stacy Warden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

The Heart of Christmas 2014

Without contest, this Christmas was the most challenging and difficult since Noah's birth.  I just kept getting hit with heavy news.  I never could catch my breath, never could recover before the next low blow hit me.  Makes it exceptionally hard to catch the spirit and place it in your heart when it's so broken.   I found myself lost.   Managed to make it through Noah's birthday, only to suffer more when something terrible happened Christmas Eve, never quite fully recovering Christmas Day.  But I did my best to move forward for my children - for Noah.  At the heart of everything I endure is for him.

Noah was so blessed to have such a beautiful and bright Christmas.   A group of women I've known since just before Noah's birth coordinated such wonderful gifts for him this year,  and The Butterfly Fund .  I don't know what I would have done without them.  I never could focus this holiday season, and they rescued me from not being able to provide the kind of Christmas I wanted to for Noah.   My mother I guess said it best, that I've simply been living in state of shock this entire month.   And the world certainly brought me to my knees on several occasions. The harder you get knocked down the harder it feels to get up on your feet each time.   If it wasn't for Noah I likely would never make the effort to stand again and keep going.

We are so excited about lots of new therapy and adaptive toys for Noah.  Now that he's older he needs so much more age-appropriate stimulation but toys that will do half the work for him.  Noah received a switch adapted Mr. Tumble toy that his speech therapist coordinated through a new local foundation called Santa's Little Hackers .  They are donation based and provide no-cost toys that have been custom switch adapted in a large workshop to reduce the cost of providing toys to children at Christmas.   Switch adapted toys are very expensive.   Double if not often five times the cost of a traditional toy you'd find at the store.  

Noah is in love with his adapted Mr. Tumble who will now talk to him by hitting a switch.  He also received a switch adapted domino train that will lay dominos and then knock them over, a teddy bear that will communicate with him by way of his daddy's cell phone, and a switch adapted race track.   Noah was also gifted with the Zoomer Dino/Dog toy that will allow him to give his toy his own commands by programming it into his Tobii Eye Gaze device, a talking book reader that will read any book to Noah.  And those who love Noah so dearly gifted him with soft tumble forms, great for helping him with his positioning on the floor and new clothes and socks to keep him warm until we can get past these winter months.

I wasn't even focused on anything I wanted this year, I've just been too overwhelmed to give myself any kind of thought.  But when I received a very special package from friends in the UK, it made me feel such warmth and love.  It arrived on Noah's birthday -  a set of pajamas, Christmas pudding and cake, British Potato Chips (my favorite in the whole world), teas, Christmas coffee, and shortbreads, Postman Pat for Luke, and Mr. Tumble for Noah... such a loving gift.  A comfort package from across the pond.  I lived on all those goodies Christmas Day.  Felt like the biggest long distance hug you could imagine.  That box was every bit The Heart of Christmas and a gift I will always remember.

I was overly eager to take down Christmas this year.  The tree and decorations came down as soon as it was over.  I know Noah loves the season but I needed to just clean it up and move forward.  I need an easier 2015.  I am not sure how much more God can expect me to endure.

“Hope
Smiles from the threshold of the year to come,
Whispering 'it will be happier'...” -Alfred Tennyson

Love,



Noah's Miracle by Stacy Warden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Noah's 6th Birthday

Noah loved his Mr. Tumble Birthday theme.   I just printed off a picture of Mr. Tumble from the Internet because no one here really knows who Mr. Tumble is.  I expected they'd have to make a little figurine out of marzipan but the figurine would have been $80... so we took the $4 digital cake photo option, which I have to say was perfect.  Noah beamed when he seen his cake.  I think this cake was his most favorite one yet, and the one he has responded most to.

We bought him a little adapted switch fan to allow him to blow out his own candle.  We positioned the fan close enough to the cake that when he hit his switch the fan blew out the candle for him.  Was great, except the lights on the fan quit working immediately.  And I still need to contact the vendor for an exchange or return.   But it did the job, and hopefully all future years Noah will be blowing out his own candles from now on - switch style and making some big wishes.

Noah grows increasingly more aware each year, and without a doubt knows that his birthday is all about him.  He cautiously guards all of his presents and new treasures to make sure his little brother doesn't lay not one finger on them, and if Luke even thinks about it, Noah squawks and squeals with anger and protest.   He was even protective of his polka-dotted balloons.  Didn't want to give an inch of sharing to Luke on his special day.

Noah got a lot of really great Mr. Tumble treasures that were imported the help with some special friends in the UK.  Makes it so hard to buy for a child that loves something that is UK specific.  Noah even got this precious custom made Mr. Tumble card.   Lots of memories to add to his hope chest.

When we asked Noah if someday he'd like to have a birthday party with other people who would come he got excited.  Maybe someday that will be in his future and we'll be able to invite friends - makes it hard that his birthday is so close to Christmas.  Maybe he needs like a mid-year birthday party in the summer.   I suppose when you have a life like Noah's everyday is a day to celebrate life....

Love,



Noah's Miracle by Stacy Warden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Perpetual Pain: The Appellate Decision

December 22, 2014 at 6:55pm I received an email containing the Appellate decision regarding Noah's medical malpractice case.   The timing of this news even harder as it was the day I went into labor, with Noah's birthday today, and Christmas only 2 more days away.   This time of year is beyond hard to write about, I try to do my best to downplay and minimize the reality of what I really feel so as to not let on the true nature and pain of the suffering that I continually experience - the perpetual pain.  Compounded to all these feelings are things that are beyond my control. 

The Appellate Court's Decision:
JUDGMENT AFFIRMED, ORDER VACATED,
AND CASE REMANDED WITH DIRECTIONS

In Noah's case this means that the jury's decision stands, and that the costs against us will simply be set for a hearing. 

I feel like Noah will never have the proper closure to what happened to him at birth.   It doesn't even matter what other's opinions may or may not be because I lived it.  I live, breathe, eat, sleep and wake up to the truth every single day.  I am haunted by it, knowing my son will never have justice.  I re-live it all on a regular basis, the sounds, what was said, the hospital smells, it never goes away. It's as fresh as the day it happened.  The memories never fade, and I carry this weight around me like a chain that grips my heart.

I dedicated nearly ten years of my life to a judicial system I believed in.   A system I never thought would fail my son.   I believed the truth would conquer all.  And the truth is more important to me than anyone could ever realize. 

I had to tell Chris about the news in the email.  I seen his body just gently fall, his shoulders collapse and tears well in his eyes.  He held his composure best he could so not as to deviate from being strong.   Luke still much to young to even understand what has been going on or what this all means, looked with deep concern as endless tears followed down my face.  I was in and out of sleep most of the night.  Luke awoke with a bad dream and for a brief instant I forgot and then remembered the news.   This pain in my head from the pressure of all my tears, shot down through my throat and past my heart and into my stomach.   How could this be?  This nightmare I cannot wake from.

We've endured putting Noah through invasive Court ordered genetic testing, faced an order to sedate Noah, who likely would not have survived sedation, for a MRI the day I was giving birth to his little brother, a theory that Noah suffered a brain injury weeks or days prior to birth (which is plastered all over the Internet in a Supreme Court ruling), only to get to trial and have them spring a new defense of merconium aspiration syndrome.   Tell me where the truth of what happened to Noah is in that paragraph... because it's not there.  It's not there at all.

It's in the fact that Noah wasn't timely delivered and was crying out for help and those cries were ignored until it was too late for Noah and he was born dead and then miraculously revived 13 minutes later.  His life would have been different.  He should be running around right now telling me how excited he is for his 6th birthday.   And this pain, this terrible heartache as a mother that I can't change what is.   I don't know how one recovers from this kind of brokenness.  How much pain is one person supposed to carry in their lifetime?

And all I can do is try to hide the tears from my children as I celebrate Noah's sixth birthday, and move forward the best I can with Christmas.

Love,




Noah's Miracle by Stacy Warden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

To My Son on His Birthday: Six Wishes

Sweetest Noah,

You turn six today!   In many ways the time has gone so fast, in other ways it feels like things have stood still.  Although so many typical milestones have been skipped and may or may never come to be, with each passing year the sparkle in your soul, the pure joy in your laughter, the twinkle in those crystal blue eyes grows stronger and reminds me how happy you are to be here.   These are six wishes I have to celebrate the anniversary of your birth:


I wish for you to always experience immense joy
Remember to never let someone steal your happiness. Sometimes that is a hard thing to remember as you are met with challenges, cruel stares or unkind words.  But you must always remember the actions of others are no reflection on the person you were born to be -  the beautiful person I know you are.  Let your smile be your gift, let your tender laughter be the lesson that others need to learn from.   Most of all never let anything or anyone dull that incredible light that you've had since the day you were born.  Life is much too precious and much too short to not find your happiness.   Trust that we'll do our best to lead by example and show you all the true joys there is to being in this world.

May the world never harden your heart Life is full of challenges, problems to over come and flat out tremendously difficult moments.   You may find yourself questioning your self worth, frustrated as you realize that your little body doesn't do all you wish it could, and the desire for others to hear the voice that lives inside you.   You may hear the words won't, can't, and never... don't let those words become a part of your vocabulary.  Always seek to do good in the world, and know that just by being you, that you have the power to make a difference not only with your life but in the lives of others. 

That you meet challenges with determination and a belief you can conquer all things The odds haven't been in your favor since you were born, as your parents we've endured countless predictions that were unfavorable.  But we never believed any of them.  Because we know that you are the leader of your own life.  No text book, no other person on this earth can determine the achievements and success you will find in your lifetime.   The journey is up to you, and this is your life's story to write.  We are so grateful that we get a front row seat.  We believe in you.

Show the world who you are Never be embarrassed about the person you are or the challenges that you face.  You have a gift that most people never have the privilege of experiencing.  You are the purest form of goodness and love.  You have so much to teach others.  It is important to remember that you must give to receive, and the rewards will be great if you give of yourself with all your heart.   Never waiver from complete honesty and the truth no matter how painful either may be.  They will be the foundation and virtues that will help guide your way.

To always fight fairly You will inevitably have to fight harder for injustices, rights, fairness and assistance in your lifetime.   Right now we're here to do all that for you, but there may come a time when you need to stand up for yourself.   And when that time comes, make sure you do it with with respect and compassion.  Stand up for what you believe in and never shy away from bringing attention to an injustice in your life or in the lives of others.  As the saying goes; you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.  

Remember where you came from As a family we've struggled through a lot and continue to keep doing our best.  You come from some strong stock.   Know that it's in your genes to keep going no matter how hard things may get.  Never feel like you must measure up to someone else’s expectations.  And always remember my son, that Everyday holds the possibility of a miracle.

And my ‘one to grow on’ - I wish to be here to witness all of your life's journey and cheer you on as you go…
Oh, Noah how I can remember the first time still to this day the first moment I laid eyes on you.   We've come so far, and have much further left to go.  I remain so humbly blessed that you are here with us.  Happy 6th Birthday.  I love you.

Love,
Mommy




Noah's Miracle by Stacy Warden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

The Box on the Doorstep

Surrendering to the fact that you've done all you can do and can do no more is such a hard pill to swallow.  Especially so, for a special needs parent like myself, who dedicates every ounce of my being to helping my child and those like him.   The truth be told no matter how hard you fight that sometimes not all battles can be won.  In fact most can't be.  I often convince myself that I'll find another avenue, another road to pursue... a way around this giant obstacle that will lead me to the goal of helping Noah.   Sometimes I succeed.  But many times I don't.  

I have a tendency to fight as hard as I can for as long as I can, until I reach the end of my rope without further direction to go.  That usually results in a tremendously good cry and a strong prayer since there's nothing else to be done.   I've reached that stage with many things.  Most recently with the hopes of obtaining the Krabat Pilot Crawler for Noah.  I started that process in October of 2013.  Over a year ago.   I faced a Medicaid denial, a Medicaid Appeal.  A win after an Administrative Law Hearing, only to have Medicaid reverse my win.  Dragging out the process for several months.   I tried to fundraise, that didn't work out well.  It's hard to get people to understand that something of this nature is truly needed for your child and to help further his personal growth, independence and quality of life.   Hunted multiple foundations, with most not even responding at all. 

I came to that inevitable point where it was time for that good cry and that strong prayer.  Tried as hard as I could and I failed.  But out of the blue, completely unexpectedly, Wheelchairs4Kids, a foundation that assists children with adaptive equipment responded to my application and said they assist Noah with the crawler.   They contacted many local agencies within our area who helped contribute to the gift of helping Noah.  Many whom I'll never even know.  So many people coming together for one little boy to gift him with the chance to crawl. 

When all hope was lost... the Krabat Pilot became a reality.

In a box it sat at our front door.

Can you imagine the intensity of that feeling?  Something that you had known your child needed but that you couldn't find a way to provide?  To have fought so hard and resigned yourself to accepting it was never going to happen?  And then to see that box.  That very box that contained that one thing that you knew would make all the difference?

It's like a feeling of a combination of all the Magic of Christmas and all the love God can provide all tied up together.  Your tears turn from those of sorrowful nature to complete and utter gratefulness.  

And today, Noah crawled with the assistance of the Krabat Pilot. 

His motivation, tremendous drive, and desire to move propelled him forward.  Just as I imagined it to be... just as I knew it would be.  Something I seen only in dreams became real.

“So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable." Christopher Reeve

Love,




Noah's Miracle by Stacy Warden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Reinventing the Holidays

When looking back on your own family traditions there is a natural desire to pass them down to the next generation.  We'd put up the Christmas tree on Thanksgiving or sometimes the day after if Dad thought it would seriously stress out Mom while cooking dinner.   Each child would be allowed to open one gift on Christmas Eve.  My paternal grandparents would literally load us up with full-sized varieties of Hershey candy bars to give us a sugar rush for the next twenty years.  We'd do the occasional cookie baking and hot chocolates, egg nog and cheer.  I'd spend time playing new Christmas songs I learned on the piano each year. We'd be up hours before the sun, sometimes the over-eager little me even up at midnight trying to pry my parents out of slumber in order to go through what Santa had left.  All the while my mother convincing me that I must have interrupted Santa and if I kindly went back to sleep Santa would come back and leave more.  To my dismay there wasn't any more in the morning than there was at midnight.   Santa would leave stacks of unwrapped toys one section of the room was for me, one section of the room for my little brother.  In our stockings we always had one giant apple and one giant orange with a single chestnut for good luck.

Santa was always good to me, and filled my childhood years with magic and love.   I had hoped to pass down so many of my memories and the way we did things when I was a child, because it was such a beautiful time in my life.  But then Noah came along and changed everything.  The way we do the holidays entirely.  

We didn't get home with Noah until January 9th, 2009.  All those years ago in a blog so fresh and new I wrote: 

The day Noah was born his daddy bought him an outfit in the hospital store that says "Special Holiday Delivery"  and matching socks with holly.  We plan to put him in it tomorrow, and celebrate with a late Christmas.  We're going to open presents together - the three of us!  I just pray this feeling lasts, and that Noah comes home to stay for years to come.   

Our First Christmas together celebrated January 9, 2009

Noah still heavily medicated was in and out of sleep when we did our make-up Christmas.  But I remember it just like yesterday, holding him in my arms in my pajamas the three of us by the Christmas tree.  Things got harder the second year.   Noah still was very much a distraught little baby.  He cried often and frequently nothing made him happy.  I sure tried.  I tried everything.  Realizing that things were overwhelming for him, there was no ability to attend family gatherings, and we decided we were not able to leave the comforts or the safety of our own home.   A few family members visited us, but only for brief amounts of time in order to ensure Noah wasn't overwhelmed.   By the third year we started to realize that some parts of Christmas were actually one of the few things that seemed to calm and comfort Noah.  The tree went up early, lights, songs, Christmas movies.  Whatever it took to keep him happy.   But how we went about the holidays still was different from how I ever dreamed it to be.

My Special Delivery and the Best Gift I've Ever Received

I longed for what felt like broken childhood traditions.  I couldn't really give Noah an apple or an orange, he couldn't eat solid foods, he couldn't unwrap his own gifts, he couldn't even get me up in the middle of the night to say Santa had come.  I wanted it, I still to a large degree want it.  But I'm learning that I can reinvent the holidays with a child that has special needs and that it is okay to start new traditions that fit his needs and us as a family.

Instead of an apple and an orange, Noah gets cotton candy and fast dissolving chocolates.  We put the Christmas tree up weeks before Thanksgiving even hits.  He has his trains, switch toys and Christmas books and movies to entertain him.  And allow him the freedom to make a mess of the ribbons and essentially un-decorate the lower branches of the tree on a regular basis.

Each year we seem to incorporate something new to grow as Noah grows with his abilities, likes and dislikes.  And are doing a night before Christmas chest for both the boys this year.  I found these cute little chests at Hobby Lobby, and I stuffed them with all the essentials you need the night before Christmas; a set of holiday pajamas, Christmas movies, coloring books, reading books, sensory activities, fast dissolving chocolate Santa and an apple juice box.  I painted each child's name in nail polish on the boxes since it was all I had on hand.  I made it work and poured a lot of love into each of them.  Making new memories for me and for the boys.

I'm finding if I can find new ways to make the holidays fun and work for Noah and us as a family then it doesn't matter the traditions that either Chris or I had as children.  It's about our children not what necessarily was a part of our childhood, but what our children will remember most about theirs.  And by reinventing the holidays I'm building memories they can both look back on and say remember when...

Love,




Noah's Miracle by Stacy Warden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.