Wednesday, September 28, 2011

I Just Need Possible

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"I don't need easy, I just need possible." Bethany Hamilton (Soul Surfer)

It is now fall and the crickets seem to echo at me. They do this every fall, when the weather is just a bit cooler, the window is cracked open and they sing this perfect little song as my mind wanders before I am able to fall asleep. I just lay there and listen to them, often fanaticizing about a little boy down the hall running and opening our bedroom door, jumping in bed with us, wanting me to read him a bedtime story, a boy that can wrap his arms around me and say "I love you mommy." Sometimes I imagine it to be so real, I want it, I crave it. I don't think I will ever stop wanting it. A piece of me feels so broken about where Noah is with his development, while another part of me remains hopeful and positive about all the possibilities for his future. Noah is such a full-time job. There is not a moment in the day when I am not networking, researching or even praying on his behalf.

Luke continues to speed along. I am in awe everyday about how fast baby development happens and how effortless it is. Luke doesn't need me to teach him, he just does things. He doesn't need me to navigate his hands to his mouth, or how to show him how to get his head up, or even to crawl. It's built in knowledge. Yet for Noah I continue to try to show him how to do things, only to have his body fight against him. And in a couple months he will be three. Three years ago that terrifying event and a fight for life. And three years later I am still fighting for him in so many ways. I imagine I will fight for him until my last breath... the life of a special needs mother.

I have had some wonderful friends pop in for little visits this month, which has has been nice. My sweet neighbor a few houses down, former co-workers, and even my new friend Sarah, who I latched onto at Target. You can tell a lot about a person if they love children and animals, even more so if they find it within themselves to love a special needs child. They hold Noah and talk to him just like he's any other little boy. They see past his differences which makes my heart just flutter. I feel he's accepted. Although I know everyone recognizes my life now is significantly different and permanently altered. I have a handful of people still in our corner. There are lots of people out there that are so unbelievably loving and kind. They sure balance out the ones that are completely the opposite. They are pieces of sunshine in my challenging days.

Chris and I continue to struggle a financially to obtain all we can for Noah. We tried to hold a garage sale during the summer, but it was a flop. I think we just picked one of those "off" weekends to do it, and didn't get a lot of traffic. Sadly we lack the time to try again, so what remains will likely be bundled off for the DAV. I've contemplated how to go about fundraising, or finding assistance, but it's not as easy as selling Girl Scout Cookies. I've tried to find help even through Noah's Early Intervention, however they tell me that their funding has been cut significantly and they can't help through their Family Assistance Program. I of course, being a mom directly affected by the lack of financial help, take great issue with the fact our government can spend millions throwing junk into space, paving roads like, Wadsworth, that were never in need of repair to begin with, and to top it off I have to listen to the nightly news about how our politicians dine lavishly, and use campaign funding for expensive gifts for themselves and others. It is almost like someone stabbing you with a dull fork. So many millions of wasted dollars, when there are so many people around the world struggling. The world feels so out of sync. It is estimated that there are 100 million people worldwide living with disabilities. A tremendous number. Often times I wonder if the majority of intention is not to provide rehabilitation to these individuals, but to simply say, you're not worth the time, effort or money it would take to make your life better. There is no doubt in my mind that Noah will make advancements with therapeutic help, and of course the love we hold for him. Granted, I don't know how far Noah will go, but healing is possible for him. Chris and I will walk to the ends of the earth and back to do what we can for him. We will do our best to leave no stone unturned.


Noah's Miracle by Stacy Warden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.